Sunday, September 22, 2013

And I still got the white man's hand around my neck choking the life out of me

Feeling tired and overwhelmed, I layed down to nap.  My neck has been swelling again.  It's hard to tell why.  I suspect it's a combination of missing the healthy eating habits I developed living so close to whole foods, stress and a break from my routine.  There's so many factors to consider.  As I slept I dreamed of being processed into a jail.  The feelings of helplessness I learned in juvenile lockup return in moments like this.  I feel an epic depression seize me.  My sister is there but she can't touch me, can't move my captors with her love for me or her sense of impending doom her baby brother is facing.  I'm shackled and in chains and handcuffs.  they're moving me from a tiny room to a small room.  There's tears in my eyes and I see a box of tissues.  I reach for one and the guard grabs me by my throat.  Choking me, he lifts my body off the ground and pins me to the wall.  He's squeezing my throat tighter and tighter.  I black out.  When I open my eyes again I'm laying on the floor some distance away from where I remember being.  I'm trying to stand.  The guard is on his way toward me from across the room which is bigger now.  I'm struggling to see what's around me because my vision is blurry.  Two other guards are talking about me but I can't see them.  One is telling the other that I was smuggling contraband into the jail as I was being processed for some meaningless legal code.  The guard coming toward me is almost upon me.  He could be a red headed santa clause if he wasn't wearing a CO uniform.  He's got me off my feet again choking.  I'm blacking out and all I'm aware of is how much my throat hurts.  I wake up realizing it's all a dream.  I still feel the white man's hand around my throat.  This time it's cancer and I'm awake seeing clearly.  I realize there's always a white man's hands around my neck choking the life out of me.  In Nigeria chevron causes civil war to get the petroleum damn near free... In Richmond they cause cancer, leukemia, lupus, sickle cell and asthma, regulation free as they process what they killed Nigerians to get to.  What can I do about it?  I can but try to survive.  I feel tiny compared to the oceans of blood flowing in Afrika 

Friday, August 9, 2013

When I'm alone it is Allah who will comfort me

I am told it is a mark of love from allah to have a burden placed on you that you didn't create...  And we say oh Allah why me?  why have you chosen to give me such a struggle?  When I found out I had cancer I was broken hearted, my world shattered... as much as I loved my ignorance, Allah didn't allow me to keep it.  As much as I loved my ego Allah humiliated me and put me in check... I loved my physical strength and prowess, that too was taken... the pain was immense and at one point I lost my will to live and all I had left was a desire to die righteously...  to die whole and not piece by piece...  I was bitter and sad and I felt that allah had taken everything from me... there was no escape from my loneliness... when people would reach for me I didn't want their solace or comfort and it would make me physically sick when they did touch me... I spent my nights crying for hours stricken with grief...  I had finally accepted that everything in this world that brought me joy, would not be coming with me.  I truly had nothing and I felt that Allah had turned his back on me... I felt as if I was a child left alone in the dark, all of my fears made manifest...  I've never felt so alone in my life... even in solitary confinement I had never felt such loneliness...  At some point I felt dead inside and my desires had left me... this is when I felt the presence of Allah and I knew that my lord was the only real thing I had ever witnessed...  This is how i found the truth when I finally let go of the illusions.  this ramadan I felt that loneliness again and I took it as a reminder that it is only Allah who will always be there... and it is only Allah who has always been there... Alhamdulilah... La ilaha il Allah... Allahu akbar